Oh the Vanity.

So this is going here. A post. Mostly because I don't know where else to expel this.

        Our life has been so crazy busy, what with a 5 and 2 year old, roller derby, family nights, snowboarding days and brew days we have just been going non stop and enjoying it for the most part.
        So last night husband wanted to be intimate. unfortunately I did not. My reason was that the day was so busy and I was tired from it all. He said how good I looked since I lost a crapload of weight and it is the best I have looked since I met him. Wow. What a compliment. THEN, he said how he felt all gross and fat cause he's been drinking beer, which goes along with making it apparently. Well shit. How the heck do you respond to that?

I said, I don't know what to say to that.

Then he said good night and turned over.

The truth is, he basically nailed it on the head as to why we are not sleeping together more. How shallow, vain and assholey does that sound? I feel like a jerk even thinking it.
I have been working very hard to get fit. J? Not so much. How do you say, or do you even say, babe, you need to lose weight so I will find you attractive enough to sleep with.
Ugh. Bleh.
If I bring it up he will probably tell me that well, I take all the free time so he has no time to exercise. I know he hates gyms, Its getting warmer out so chances to snowboard will lessen. I don't know how to go about this. I do feel a little better getting it out of my head, its been consuming me lately. I've even started looking at other guys. Which I have never thought of before.

 Maybe I just need to get less attractive.

Psh.

Aweful Gust.

My earphones are in.
He's crying when he's usually sleeps.
I dropped the older one off at my sisters'.
I don't know how to be happy.
I don't know who to ask for help.
I don't want to complain to anyone.
I don't know how to fix this.



There are so many things going through my head. Mother hood is the hardest job. Mentally it's tearing me apart. I don't know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings I have day to day. I wake up angry and in pain. I wonder how I will get through the day. At what times can I not do my job. The house is accumulating filth. I am just scratching the surface, tunneling a  hole through it to survive. To keep the children alive. I thought roller derby could be my escape. I thought I would get relief, or fulfillment from pushing myself physically. To hone my skills, perfect my game, connect with my teammates. Now, its just another thing that sucks my energy from my body. I am being pulled so many different ways. I cannot perfect anything I am doing because I do not have the time and energy to give my all. So, naturally the solution would be to streamline what I spend my energy on. Cut some things out. Naturally.
          If I cut derby, there would be no outlet for my anger. It would just continue to build up inside me and I am afraid my walls would have a lot more holes in it. I don't think I have enough pictures to cover the holes. I would be stuck at home, doing the same thing over and over again with nothing to look forward to. I have already lived like that. It doesn't work.
        Asking for help sounds so easy. The thing is, I don't expect anyone to take my burden and carry it. Most people have their own problems and burdens to shoulder. Plus if they can shoulder their own burdens AND mine? Well that would make them stronger than me and therefore superior to me.

I just read this. This is my mother's advice. Read Scripture.

In other words, what you give to others will affect how they give to you; the amount of love, patience, and kindness that you show to others will affect the amount that they show to you. This principle of giving and receiving applies to many areas of life. For example, if you invest an hour a day into exercising, then you will reap the benefits of that investment—a strong, healthy body. However, if you invest that same time into flipping channels on T.V., then you will reap the benefits of that investment—a wasted hour.

Do you know how to love and be patient and kind when you hate yourself inside? Do you fake it til you make it? 

The crying has stopped.

I want to make the most of this day without a 3 year old. But what would be most beneficial to me at this time? Cleaning? Crafting? Computering? Crying? Sleep?  or binge eating? 

gah.

Giving my a couple of hours off is like giving me a couple of bucks for a very expensive item.